Alcohol and Movie Parings #7: Fellowship of the Ring and Mead

Mead, the sweet nectar of the gods... or at least a sweet, alcoholic honey concoction that has been drunk for over a millenia. They drink it in Beowulf so I feel it quite fitting that it would be a fantastic paring with the best Lord of the Rings film made, Fellowship of the Ring.

I'm a snob, and a huge snob when it comes to the Lord of the Rings books. The film series is just about the best you can get from what most considered "unfilmable" books just a decade ago before the series came out. I was even slightly skeptical when I saw the teaser the very first time. Oh how wrong I was.

While the other two films don't do the book justice, as both The Two Towers and Return of the King are butchered in their theatrical versions and ROTK only patches some of the more glaring issues in the EE, Fellowship is just about the best they could have done.

The scenery is presented exactly how my mind's eye expected it to (though the stairs in Moria are far too steep for Dwarves with such tiny legs and the ring is far too powerful than even the book had it).

The major downside is the slapstick nature of some of the "comedy". It's over the top but they treat Merry and Pippin as complete and utter fools, which you'd think would be a blessing as it would show their characters grow as the films progress, but you'd be wrong - they're just about as clumsy and stupid at the end (a fault of the writers). The biggest change is that 17 years don't pass between Bilbo's party and when Frodo sets out on the quest. They've also made Frodo pretty much a complete loser - a kind, polite Hobbit, but still a loser. Aside from that they get the characters pretty much right (Daniel Day Lewis would have done a better job as Aragorn though).

When the films were green-lit New Line was taking a huge chance. Personally it would have been really really nice if they could have just done 6 films. Heck, they filmed enough footage - much of which has yet to be seen in any form - as to allow for each film to be at least 110 minutes long, but heck that would be a daunting task for most people in our attention-deficit culture (not ADD because that's a real medical condition that most people don't have which is mocked quite regularly). Book one could have ended when Frodo collapses at Rivendell (FRODO LIVES!) or after the "Council of Elrond". The rest of the films could be split up in some other manner which I won't discuss at this time.

What we get in the end is a film that's worthy of the title "Lord of the Rings" - but could either benefit from a triple dip (erm, I mean quadruple-dip due to the TE/EE DVD edition that was released). With New Line releasing the films in HD DVD, I really can't wait till they're up.

**** 1/2 out of *****

The Asylum: Genius production company or hack-meisters?

Last year, when "Snakes on a Plane" came out, I noticed a similar film, "Snakes on a Train" was having it's DVD release the following week. At the time I thought nothing of it and figured, like with many films a similar one was released at the same time to get some bonus sales from gullible people.

Well, what I thought was possibly a one time fluke turns out to be a production that seems to thrive only on "rip-off" films that share a similar title with occasionally a slightly similar plot. They're designed to give gullible people to go to Blockbuster or use Netflix to rent these films mistakenly thinking they were the "originals." Borderline illegal, and unquestionably unethical.

Here is a short list of some of these films and their "original" (at least what they're knocking off):

100,000,000 BC ... 10,000 BC
Alien Vs Hunter ... Alien Vs Predator
I Am Omega ... (A mix of "Omega Man" and "I am Legend")
Snakes on a Train ... Snakes on a Plane
Invasion of the Pod People ... The Invasion
Transmorphers ... Transformers
Pirates of Treasure Island ... Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
The Da Vinci Treasure ... The DaVinci Code
Hillside Cannibals ... The Hills Have Eyes
Way of the Vampire ... Van Helsing (box is a cheap copy and the story revolves around Van Helsing)
30,000 Leagues Under the Sea ... 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
Detour ... Wrong Turn

I'm sure there are many many others but I figured this was a good start.

Asylum Films

$$$.

Merry Christmas, 007!

On Her Majesty's Secret Service to me ranks as one of the best Bond films ever made. Many people will agree with my position, and some will not. That's the nature of Bond films, which range from a multitude of online polls, fansites, and occasionally a column in magazines that are so absolutely horrid that only a intern or people who actually haven't watched every single one of the films could have listed.

It's occasionally forgotten as some sort of Black Sheep of the series, often derided because George Lazenby only did one Bond film or by people who think Die Another Day is some sort of "high art" and that Brosnan somehow got the shaft when he was rightly let go from the series.

The "theme" takes a turn that has only been used three times prior: no singing (only two times if you don't count "Three Bind Mice" from Dr. No).

The film follows the novel almost to the letter (the film actually starts a few chapters into the book, but from there on it's almost spot on word-for-word). The intricate plot gracefully winds itself together thanks to the crafting done by Ian Fleming himself. Bond is so despriate to find Blofeld, the leader of SPECTRE, he'll marry a mob boss' daughter. Thank goodness she's played by the gorgeous Diana Rigg. A lot of ski chases and gun battles later the film is full of unexpected moments.

How is this a Christmas film you might ask? You'll just have to watch.

As a Bond film:
**** out of *****

Blackadder's Christmas Carol

Blackadder's Christmas Carol is the best spoof of the the classic Charles Dicken's tale "A Christmas Carol."

If you aren't familiar with the Blackadder series you'll still find this hilarious. Throughout the series the Blackadder family (each season is a different era in the same family) are one of the most ruthless and horrid families ever. In this Christmas special, Ebenezer Blackadder is the kindest and most gentle people in all of England.

He's walked on by all his so-called friends, and because he's so kind he doesn't stop them. He gives away all his profits, all his food, and all his gifts to ungrateful jerks. That evening the Spirit of Christmas (Robbie Coltrane) to come by and relax a bit from "scaring" bad people into being good but ends up showing Ebenezer's ancestors and eventually his descendants, causing Ebenezer to rethink his stance in life.

**** out of *****

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

"Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" was by far one of the most bizarre films I've seen in ages. Filled with childish whimsy, and almost an innocence from all involved, it's hard to be totally cruel to this film.

Wait, what am I saying? This film was an utter piece of garbage! Corny to the max, it's plotting is even bizarre, and if I might say, insulting to even the children it's marketed to.

The plot involves Martians who want to "bring Santa Clause" to Mars to give their Children some Christmas cheer. Enough for you? No? Well so instead of doing some work themselves to make their children less like automatons, they decide to take Santa away from Earth (at his most active time of the year I might add).

The best part is while they mock the stupid humans "primitive" cities and general lack of technological sophistication, they're completely incapable of discovering the location of Santa's workshop, even though they had previously been watching a "news report" (by a guy who looks like Rip Taylor) at the North Pole. The Martians are completely thrown off by the "numerous" number of Santas who are roaming around the planet. So, like all logical advanced and intelligent people, they find some kids to answer their questions for them. Enter Billy and Betty.

The kids are kidnapped, along with Santa Clause, and wisked along to Mars without haste. Apparently this is not any good for a considerably small portion of the population, which vow to get rid of Santa Clause to keep the purity of bland, stale martian children around.

You'd think with such a rigid society they would not suffer the bumbling fool, Dropo, "The laziest man on Mars," who has a schedule that consists of sitting around, sleeping, and watching Earth television (don't you know that stuff will rot your mind?).

* out of *****

Alcohol and Movie Parings #6: Martini and James Bond

Does it look like I give a damn that the martini is stirred or shaken?

Personally I don't. Then again I'm not a huge liquor guy, though as I write this I'm having some Jack Daniels on the rocks, so I guess you've found the one time out of 10 that when I'm drinking alcohol I'm not drinking a beer.

Casino Royale is another film in a short line of recent productions that have "reset" a original series, and not suprisingly most of them have been able to breath new life into the series ("Herbie Fully Loaded" not withstanding). Like Batman Begins, they've reinvented the franchise for the better.

I just purchased the James Bond box set so I'll be reviewing more Bond films in the coming weeks but I figured I'd start with the newest first.

Four acts instead of three? How many films can pull that off nowadays?

On and for the love of God please avoid the "spoof" with every inch of your life. The film was directed by no less than 5 people and it's utter sh*t.

****/*****

"Vesper" martini:

* Six parts Gordon's Gin
* Two parts vodka
* One part Kina Lillet

Shake over ice until well chilled, then strain into a deep goblet and garnish with a thin slice of lemon peel.

Guaranteed heart stopper! Err... maybe not.

Battlestar Galactica Season One

So, if you've been reading this blog or been to my place you should know that I have an HD DVD player. What good is a HD player if you don't buy HD titles? Not much good at all!

That's why for one of my first "tests" of an HD experience was to purchase Battlestar Galactica Season One on DVD. What an amazing experience I've been missing out on! Visually the quality of the graphics and footage is crisp, clean, and makes broadcast and DVD look like crap.

The original series was a product of it's time. In retrospect it isn't very good. Too much disco and not enough situations that actually make me believe that their entire society has ended. This version is strictly for adults (so you don't have to worry about seeing "robot" dogs which were in fact actually monkey's in suits).

To be perfectly honest this isn't your "father's" Sci-fi either. The show is very believable and only happens to be set in space. No large amount of jargon to not comprehend, and no stupid aliens-of-the-week like in say, Star Trek.

The show is like an adrenaline rush that never lets go.

*****/*****

Also, for those reading my blog (as opposed to my Facebook feed), here's Dwight's take on the show:

Metropolis to be remade

As reported on Sci Fi Wire (from Variety), Producer Thomas Schuehly has acquired the remake rights to Fritz Lang's classic Science fiction movie Metropolis and is partnering with Mario Kassar.

Metropolis is one of the best films ever made, and perhaps the best silent film ever made.


This is an awful idea. The only positive aspect that can even be derived from this is that it could bring more attention to the original film.

Article:
SCI FI Wire: Metropolis To Be Remade

Nicole Kidman's next movies

In honor of the box office results of "The Golden Compass", here are three film titles that would better suit Kidman's current success in cinema:


1. Bomb
2. Box Office Poison
3. Don't Hire Her: The Tale of Who Not to Hire if You Want Your Film to Make Money


"Coming quickly to a dollar theater near you"

I do not mean to blame her for the reason why nearly all the films she's been in for the last 5 or so years have done so poorly, but come on. For an actress that get so much attention, you'd expect better BO returns.

Alcohol and Movie Parings #4: Indiana Jones and the quest for the best India Pale Ale

In a recent viewing of "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, I go to thinking of exotic but accessible beers that would go good with the theme of Indiana Jones films. Sure a good German Dopplebock or Hefeweizen could go well - but that'd be cliche, and I've already done cliche a few times. India Pale Ale might seem a little cliche as well, considering the setting of the second film, but trust me on this one. And no, it's also not because his name is Indiana.

India Pale Ale drums up the old days of European exploring of the unknown. While Indiana Jones is set in the 30s and 40s, it drums up a distinct reminder of the days that exploration was actually exploration - setting out with a map and a backpack filled with what you need. IPAs are a nice, crisp alternative to the normal pale beers that people drink.

Pare up the films with Two Hearted Ale, Stone India Pale Ale, or if you're in Virginia: Legend Hopfest when it's in season. Heck, grab a Dogfish head 60 Minute or Sierra Nevada while you're at it.

If you don't care if you make it through the film try a Imperial/Double IPA. Weyerbacher Double Simcoe IPA, Rogue Imperial India Pale Ale (I²PA) or Stone Ruination IPA will get you buzzed long before Indy can shoot the guy with the machete.

The format war is left up to the fools

I am recently (as of yesterday) the proud owner of a HD DVD player. I'd like to find more words to describe it, but I'll put it simply: It's sweet.

This is what I expect from a digital medium. It's a leap in technology far beyond DVD. In may respects DVD's are far more like the old, outdated Laserdiscs than they are like HD DVDs.

On the movies I've tested this new toy out on so far I can scan the menus while watching the movie! Imagine that!

Some of my friends have asked me why I decided on HD DVD. There are three simple reasons:

1) Content. I looked at some of the content between the two and found that far more of the films that I'd actually find interesting were made exclusively on HD DVD. I can easily miss out on the exclusive Blue Ray stuff without being too upset (I can live with the remastered James Bond box sets for instance).

2) Cost. The player came with 2 HD DVDs in the box. Best Buy let me chose 3 more for free with my purchase, and I have 5 more coming in the mail - all for free. That alone makes the player cost about the same as what you'd pay for a DVD-upscaler when you factor in the value of the HD DVDs.

3) Fanboys. Nothing's worse than an internet fanboy. On second thought a bunch of internet fanboys are even worse, and that's all I've seen for months. Sure there are people who detest Sony, and for good reason - one only needs to look at their history of poor choices dating back to Betamax, MiniDisc, and the PSP's UMD for their proprietary hardware they've tried to force onto the unsuspecting public. "The format war is over!", well not quite there buddy. Anyone who uses "we" when talking about one of the formats you just have to feel sorry for them, at least sorry enough to go out and buy the other format. Thanks guys for helping me out!

After weighing my options it was time to finally use my TV like it was meant to. Now if I could only get to use my TV...

The ultimate question presented in it's proper form:

"Which Michael Bay film do you hate the least?"



Pine over it a while and get back to me.


In the words of the immortal Crow from 'Mystery Science Theater 3000' when viewing that travesty of a film Armageddon: "In the future, can we make it a rule that films have to be made by filmmakers?"