Quick Fire Review: The Bat (1959)

The Bat is a horror film that is more horrible than it is horror.

I suspect that this film is largely forgotten except for that it starred Agnes Moorehead and Vincent Price. The Bat concerns itself with a writer by the name of Cornelia van Gorder (Moorehead) who purchases a house of a recently deceased bank president who had committed a serious case of embezzlement.

The Bat plays a lot more like a strung out television anthology episode than it does an actual film and would have probably best been suited as a 25 or 50 minute story. The themes are a mish-mash of horror, thriller and mystery and none really meld too well together. There's just not a lot of vision here. The film is bland and boring to the point that not even Vincent Price could save it.

Machete was worth seeing

Jessica Alba's character's cooking forced me to do some cooking of my own.

The Room is an awful film that must be watched

I was finally able to see this monstrosity of a film, and it did not disappoint.

I have a feeling people like my brother that do this and want to do this type of thing for a living would cry just at how poorly framed, plotted, and edited every single scene was in this so-called movie.

Christmas is coming early!

Santas Slay is an absurd Christmas comedic-horror film staring the wrestler Goldberg as Santa Claus. The film also stars Douglas Smith as Nicolas Yuleson, Emilie de Ravin as Mary Mackenzie, Robert Culp as Grandpa Yuleson, Dave Thomas as Pastor Timmons, and Saul Rubinek as Mr. Green. This is probably the only worthwhile thing that Brett Ratner has ever produced (directed by his former assistant, David Steiman).

The film is a jolly old tale where Santa is revealed to actually be a child of Santa who lost a bet with an angel and was forced into a 1000 year life of spreading cheer and happiness. It's been 1000 years.

The film isn't scary. It's not even that good, but somewhere in there, it's fun to watch. It is really fun to watch. And I think that's where people missed the point. The film wasn't designed to be scary. It wasn't designed to be anything but a tongue-in-cheek absurd film where Santa is played by a pro-wrestler and nothing is taken seriously.

Highlights of the movie are when James Caan is stuffed to death by turkey and the silly "hell-deer" 'shaky cam' scene towards the end of the movie.

** 1/2 out of *****

31 days of Halloween: Evil Dead II

Evil Dead II, the sequel to The Evil Dead, is a 1987 horror film starring Bruce Campbell and directed by Sam Raimi. The film was followed by Army of Darkness, which came out in 1993.

The interesting thing about this film is that the first 15 or so minutes is essentially a retelling of the first film. Ash and his girlfriend Linda travel to a cabin in the woods for a vacation. This cabin is not their own, but one they find unoccupied and decide to stay there for the weekend. He comes across a tape by Professor Knowby who is reciting passages from the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis (The "Book of the Dead"). Well, with those recitations, Ash unknowingly unleashes the ungodly force of the dead upon them. Linda is possessed, and she becomes a deadite. He kills her and he is then lifted up into the air and thrown into the woods.

This is where the first film ends (well sorta, since it's an alternate version of the events from the first film). The second film finally "starts" here - where Ash, on the ground is possessed by a demon until the sun "forces" it out of him. He is trapped in the woods, unable to escape so he returns to the cabin for shelter and some potential safety. While Ash is in the cabin, Professor Knowby's daughter Annie and Ed travel to the cabin with locals Jake and Bobby Jo.

The for make it to the cabin to find it in shambles, covered in blood, and Ash sitting there in the middle of it. At first he's blamed for all the death and destruction. He's thrown down into the cellar, and the three soon discover that Knowby had to kill his wife, Henrietta, who had become a deadite and then buried her in that same cellar. Henrietta then broke through the soil and began to attack Ash.

Ash's mission is now to help everyone make it out of the woods alive and send the demons back to hell.

The film is entertaining, funny, frightening, and suspenseful. It's still more of a horror film than a comedy, something that Army of Darkness is more of. When you take into account the recap at the start, and the modified start of Army of Darkness that changes the end of Evil Dead II, the film runs around 70 minutes. When the heck did Sam Raimi start doing 2 hour+ long films?

*** 1/2 out of *****

31 days of Halloween: Invasion of the Bee Girls

Not a lot can be said about Invasion of the Bee Girls, a 1973 exploitative "horror" film, at least not a lot that's good. Surprisingly, from the mess this film is, it is entirely enjoyable in the "it's so bad, it's good" way. Like a person who can't look away from an accident. This isn't like Schadenfreude (I'd watch something really bad like that horrible comedy "100 Girls" for that). Invasion is a wonderful B-movie which highlights just about every facet of what a mid-70s B-movie was.

The cinematography is horrible, the lighting is sub-standard, the direction is, well: directionless. The screenplay is obviously written as tongue-in-cheek camp, as there is no plausible way that Nicolas Meyer (Star Trek II, IV, VI) could have written something like this without chuckling all the way to the bank. That is, unless he was really desperate for money. So, with that in mind, it fits the bill for a 1970s exploitation grind-house flick.

The plot entails a town who is beginning to have mysterious deaths begin to pile up. The strange connection is that these deaths are sudden and are happening to people who are otherwise healthy - not to mention in the process of having sexual intercourse. Hilarious right? Yes, there are "Bee" girls - even including the "conversion" process to "Bee girl" that involves stinging the females, stripping, then plastering them with some sort of opaque liquid latex/plaster before covering them with none other than - Bees. I guess it's that easy. As an added bonus the women scientists really pull off the look... right.

** out of *****

31 days of Halloween: The Crawling Hand

The Crawling Hand is a 1963 science fiction/horror film about a demented arm that seeks out victims to strangle.

The plot involves a teenager that happens across the wreckage of a crashed space capsule and happens across the severed arm of the astronaut that detonated the vehicle upon reentry. You see, the astronaut was infected with something which wanted him to "kill" - so a power struggle ensued, causing the ultimate destruction of the capsule. But anyway, so this teenager becomes infected, and begins to go around killing people. Probably the only scene that plays out well is the after hours diner scene where the old crotchety manager/owner gets whats coming to him. The rest of the film has no suspense build up, is corny, and poorly acted.

The movie stars Rod Lauren, Peter Breck, Allison Hayes, and Alan Hale (The Skipper from Gilligan's Island).

It was later featured on the television shows Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K) but you can watch the entire thing on Hulu.

* out of *****

31 days of Halloween: Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain

Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain is a low budget 2003 horror film. The film stars a boatload of porn stars including Ginger Allen, Chasey Lain, Taylor Hayes and Jenna Jameson. The rest of the cast includes Bobbie Phillips, Howard Rosenstein and 90's crummy movie mainstay Richard Grieco.

For serious B-horror films like this, you'll have to expect some "special" things going on. The film clocks in at a dazzling 88 minutes (including credits), while the film is supposed to be set in Ireland I don't think they found a single Irish actor or actress. The accents are atrocious. Ginger Lynn makes an attempt, but it fades in and out every few seconds. With that said, the acting from the porn stars is better than many of the actual actor's acting.

Since I know some of what went on behind the scenes, I felt kind of bad about how the final film was treated. The film was taken away from the director and many of the crew and replaced. The film was edited poorly, and so the final result was not what was originally intended, though when is it ever when the final result is so poor? I'll give them a bit of leeway, especially since the ending that appears in the film makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

There's some horror there, but the film is so bland and silly that any horror elements get lost in the bloody mist.

* 1/2 out of *****

Shakedown

Thank God for Hulu's free streaming movies.

Shakedown is a 1988 action movie directed by James Glickenhaus.

The film stars Peter Weller (Robocop, Buckaroo Banzai, 24), Sam Elliott with appearances by Richard Brooks (Law & Order, and for the overzealous Firefly fans, the bounty hunter in the final episode) and John C. McGinley (Scrubs). The rest of the cast I only recognize a few of the people, which isn't very surprising since it's a B-action movie from the 1980s.

Peter Weller is Roland Dalton a Manhattan public defender taking his last case which is to defend a crack dealer Michael Jones played by Richard Brooks who is accused of killing a police officer in Central Park. Jones claims that it was self-defense, and that the officer was a 'Blue Jean Cop.' What's one of those? Well, as Sam Elliott's Richie Marks explains to Weller's Dalton, a 'Blue Jean Cop' is a dirty cop. We know off the bat, that Sam Elliott's character is a fucking badass.

The film unfolds, with Dalton and Marks teaming up to bring down one of the city's drug kingpins and their racket. There's a pretty epic gunfight in the middle of New York's busy streets, with even a set of spring loaded throwing knives thrown in. The chase takes them into the middle of a huge shanty town, which makes the city look more like 1932 than 1988. Sam Elliott's character is a fucking badass.

And as I watched, there was a fight sequence at Coney Island, culminating in a fist fight on a roller coaster. And it proves again that Sam Elliott's character is a fucking badass.

Please watch this film through to the end. The climax, well - is extremely epic. And it proves again that Sam Elliott's character is a fucking badass. There are a few shots of the New York skyline that the current administration would have loved to have had as angles in the photo-op stunt a few months back. If nothing succeeded before, you'll come away realizing that Sam Elliott's character is a fucking badass.

On a side note, Death Wish 4: The Crackdown can be seen on one of the marquees as Marks and Dalton leave another theater (probably seeing The Exterminator or The Soldier, two James Glickenhaus films).

I fully expected it to be schlocky as any late 80s "crime" film could be. The film is pretty derivative of other films, so if you pass over this there are plenty of other films that will fit the bill. It is a film that you can have a few beers and crack a few jokes at. And it has Sam Elliott using semi-automatics and automatics, on hoodlums. What else could you ask for?

** 1/2 out of *****

The Final Sacrifice

The Final Sacrifice is a 1990 Canadian adventure film.

The film stars Christian Malcolm as Troy McGreggor, Bruce J. Mitchell as Zap Rowsdower, Shane Marceau as Satoris, and Ron Anderson as Mike Pipper. And a whole lot of other Canadians. The film was directed by Tjardus Greidanus (no joke).

Bumbling Troy McGreggor (Malcolm), uncovers a number of documents of his long dead father (who looks pretty much exactly like 70’s football player Larry Csonka as refrenced by Mike and the Bots on MST3k's treatment of the film). These documents uncover something like a "hidden civilization" called the "Ziox", which apparently was one of the most powerful civilizations on the planet. Troy soon is in way over his head, and a cult leader, Satoris (Marceau), is hot on his trail. Luckily for Troy, he hitches a ride with Zap Rosdower (Mitchell), a perpetually inebriated character with a shady past an a chip on his shoulder.

The film only gets more ridiculous as the seconds tick on. From the silly names, to the silly plot, this film could be a case study as to exactly how you don't want to have a movie end up like. So the "Ziox" were so powerful, huh? Why did they just disappear, and why would one of their cities buried underground in the CANADIAN ROCKIES? Perhaps they just moved to a better climate.

By the end of the film you can just tell they're trying to figure out a way to end the thing. So that's exactly what they do. Zap. It's over.

However, I have to give them credit - the film was shot for less than 2000 dollars (I'm not sure if that's US or Canadian). I do feel bad for the actors as they didn't get paid - since their contracts stipulated that they'd make money if the movie was a success.

* 1/2 out of *****

Barbarella

This is probably one of the most baffling films I have ever seen. My first reaction was to hate it. A film that I should absolutely despise as nonsensical Eurotrash. It came across to me as silly, absurd, pointless, and dumb.

The film is based on the “adult” comic book by Jean-Claude Forest. Upon further review I see a bizarre charm in this film, a campy cult classic. However, in no means does it make this a good film. It isn’t. The film is the equivalent of soft core pornography. The opening credits is nothing short of Fonda stripping for the camera.

The film stars Jane Fonda as the title character, who is technically not the “Queen of the Galaxy” as the promotional title suggests. In this film, Barbarella is contacted by the President of Earth (snicker, har har) to rescue the doctor by the name of Durand Durand (snicker, har har) to keep any potential weapons from being created since that will potentially destroy the eternal peace that has been created across the universe (snicker, har har). Upon crashing on this planet, she is introduced to the concept of physical intercourse (“civilized” people just take pills that do the trick).

I’m still trying to think if the director was ahead of his time or if his director of photography was just insane. The camera work is not typical of the era it was filmed in, and the film have some, how shall I say it, interestingly composed shots. And I’m not even referring to the “acid trip” sequences of flying through space, or escaping the evil city on SoGo.

The film has no pace or rhythm. Things appear to happen, but with no plausible or logical progression between sequences. By roughly the second half of the film we have some idea of what the characters are “really” doing when they make plans with members of the underground of SoGo. Before that it is just touch and go.

The quaint film is enjoyable, but only if you can stomach silly, pointless, meaningless films of the past. It’s clear that they knew what kind of film they were making, along the lines of another Dino De Laurentiis produced film in 1980, Flash Gordon.

** 1/2 out of *****

Murderers' Row

In this second Matt Helm installment, we begin to see the law of diminishing returns kick in. The Silencers already began to show signs of a faltering franchise, and that was only the first film!

Again, like its predecessor, Dean Martin appears to love his job. He’s effectively playing himself. He appears to does what he wants and at times I wouldn’t have been surprised if he just ad libbed the entire role himself. Of course he didn’t but he pulls off his performance that way.

Obviously Dean returns in this film to portray Matt Helm. Joining him in this adventure is Ann-Margret, as Suzie, a woman that gets mixed up in whatever nonsensical plot Helm is pursuing. James Gregory returns again as MacDonald.

I have been sitting here for about 20 minutes and have been unable to sum up this film any better than the summary provided on IMDb:

The handsome top agent Matt dies a tragic death in his bath tub - the women mourn about the loss. However it's just faked for his latest top-secret mission: He shall find Dr. Solaris, inventor of the Helium laser beam, powerful enough to destroy a whole continent. It seems Dr. Solaris has been kidnapped by a criminal organization.

That pretty much says it all.

Out of the entire film, I found the opening title probably was the best part of the entire film. Unfortunately that’s saying something. The film is like a train wreck, but it's a fun one to look at.

Next up, The Ambushers.

** 1/2 out of *****

The Silencers

Oh Matt Helm. I usually don’t start my reviews in such a way, but what an awful movie series this turned out to be. I’ve watched all four of the Matt Helm films over the last week, and frankly this one’s the best. And it's not great. The Silencers is the first of four spy spoof films that star Dean Martin as the character, Matt Helm. He plays a part-time agent for ICE (Intelligence and Counter Espionage), where he receives the occasional assignment from.

The films have little in common with their book counterparts, though The Silencers is one of the better attempts during the 60s at a good spy film to spoof the success of James Bond. Our Man Flint is a movie in its own category, where the films themselves are spoofs of the genre, but James Coburn plays it almost completely straight. Dino does not take the same route in this film or the subsequent sequels.

This film is full of meta-jokes, constant mugging for the camera and audience, and cracks about how bad Frank Sinatra music is compared to Dean Martin music. Much of the soundtrack is sung by Dino himself.

There’s not much of a plot here, so I should be able to sum it up in a brief sentence. The bad guys from the Bureau of International Government and Order (BIG O) want to start WWIII.

The main bad guys are played by Victor Buono, Robert Webber, Arthur O'Connell, and Roger C. Carmel (Harry Mudd!). They all play up their roles, with Buono in fake Chinese makeup akin to the old Charlie Chan films. James Gregory (Ursus in Beneath the Planet of the Apes and Sen. Iselin in The Manchurian Candidate) plays MacDonald, head of ICE.

Helm’s partner in this spy film is played by Daliah Lavi. Other “Helm Women” are Cyd Charisse and Stella Stevens. Charisse, performs in the second half of the opening credits singing the song "The Silencer" during the opening credits.

If you know what you’re getting into, the film isn’t bad. If you’re completely oblivious and believe that this is anything other than a corny, cheesy spoof, where Dino breaks character multiple times and where the plot doesn’t make a lick of sense, this film isn’t for you. If you didn’t like this one, the rest definitely aren’t for you.

** 1/2 out of *****

Insanity, thy name is "Monster Madhouse"

Half the time, I don't honestly know what the heck is going on when I watch this.

Hosted by "Karlos Borloff," Monster Madness, is a creature feature show like no other on the air at the moment. They show old films on their program, which, surprisingly are live broadcasts on local public access Fairfax Public Access channel 10.

I usually end up catching this on their 2 am show Fridays (or any other time it's aired on the local public access channel), so honestly even if the show made one iota of sense, I wouldn't have a single clue what the hell was going on anyway. Don't watch this expecting to see just an old horror film.

Perhaps the show is just too "high brow" for me:

The site for the show is: http://www.monstermadhouse.com/

Under Siege

Under Siege, one in a number of films dealing with terrorists have taken over some location and one man, usually on the inside, is the only person who can successfully defeat them.

The film stars Steven Segal, as the man in question who is “enlisted” to “save the day.” He stars as Casey Ryback, an ex-Navy Seal who is now the cook on the U.S.S. Missouri. The ship is overrun by terrorists, led by Tommy Lee Jones, who easily takes over the ship, like any good Hollywood film does.

Segal, who plays the same character in just about every single film he stars in, is just about as good an actor as you can imagine in the role. The supporting cast, which hams up the screen, and enjoys every minute of it, as seen by Jones and other supporting cast such as Gary Busey.

This, out of his entire portfolio, is probably Segal's best film. It's certainly entertaining if you're not expecting Shakespeare.

** 1/2 out of *****

Escape from New York

Escape from New York is a cult classic directed by John Carpenter and starring Kurt Russell as criminal Snake Plissken.

The story takes place in a United States that is so full of violence that the entire Island of Manhattan has been converted into a prison. The worst criminals are shipped there, and allowed to roam freely, as they are unable to leave the island.

The President of the United States’ plane has an accident and take the unfortunate turn and crashes on the island. The president is able to escape in a lifepod, but is now trapped on the island.

Over the years, the prison has evolved its own, bizarre culture. The Duke controls much of the island, the prison’s de facto ruler.

Plissken, a criminal, has been “recruited” by the government to help rescue the President of the United States (Donald Pleasance) from the clutches of the self imposed Duke of New York (Isaac Hayes), because the top secret knowledge he has. Plissken is implanted with a device that will kill him if after 24 hours. It will be removed when he has completed his mission. He makes his way onto the island by flying a glider onto the top of one of the World Trade buildings. As the movie progresses, he begins to make headway into the society that has been festering. Ernest Borgnine plays a cabbie, who helps Plissken out around the city.

John Carpenter wrote, composed, and directed this film. As such, the film fits right on in with most of his films, containing the same style, and the same synth music.

It truly is one of the quintessential 80s action films.

*** 1/2 out of *****

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders

Oh for shame Ernest Borgnine. Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders is perhaps, at best, borderline in what I'd consider a film. The film, is actually two short stories "told" by Borgnine, to his "grandkid."

The first short story is about a arrogant critic that, skeptical about Merlin's "newly open" shop in the middle of Los Angles, is given a book of spells. Knowing that the critic is an asshole, Merlin's realizes that the guy will abuse his new found power. For about 20 minutes of the film, we see the guy try new spells, boring the viewer half to death.

When the guy starts to look like Alastair Sim (from the best version of 'A Christmas Carol'), we, along with him, realize that he's aging due to magic. The story comes to a silly conclusion when he figures out a way to reverse the spell.

The film itself calls out it's simplistic storytelling with Borgnine's "grandkid" who easily explains that the foreshadowing that appears earlier in the story would be clear enough to an idiot.

The second story, about a devil monkey toy is equally silly, especially since the original film it's from was clearly filmed in the 70s.

The film, without the assistance of MST3k, is nearly unwatchable.

*/*****

Pod People (Los Nuevos extraterrestres)

Originally, a horror film, the production and distribution took a wild turn when E.T. proved to be a huge success. Instead of a film about evil space aliens, with mediocre costumes and bad acting, we're stuck with a bad story about (some) evil space aliens, a stupid subplot about a child with no social skills, bad acting, and still with mediocre costumes.

The film was actually recorded in both English and Spanish. I can only assume that many takes taken from the Spanish version, as there are many instances where the dubbing is 'off'. With the little child, the dubbing is off the entire time, obviously dubbed by someone else. If that was actually that child's voice, I feel extremely sorry for him.

The film starts with opening credits that don't actually take place in the film itself. It opens with poachers looking for illegal game in the woods. An alien craft crashes, and eventually one of them ends up upon the crash site. He proceeds to inexplicably crack all the eggs, and is promptly killed.

The rest of the film is about a "super star" musician, with his friends recording his next "hit" song with his entourage, end up deciding to go camping in the woods. Well soon enough, the film takes the next logical turn, with the aliens attacking the musician's group, the poachers, and everyone else involved. Add in a stupid child and a "cute" alien that somehow isn't evil like the rest of them, and you have this film.

What do I think about it? IT STINKS.

*/*****

Dinosaurus

This is a followup to a previous review, posted here. This 1960 B-flick actually is a slightly rough gem in disguise of a terribly bad film.

There are some great concepts, and a handful of actually genuinely good scenes in this film.

The plot begins with underwater bomb-testing at an island which unearths two dinosaurs and a caveman. Thankfully for the lightning storm, they're revived (after sitting "frozen" on a tropical beach all afternoon and evening). Woops, now there's a Tyrannosaurus on the loose.

You should have contacted the Smithsonian or something. The government maybe? Nah. Just leave the find of their lifetimes on the beach while they go to the local thug's cantina where he openly abuses his step-son and wife in open sight of all the town's residents. What a wonderful guy.

The shots of the dinosaurs are a mix-bag. Some are actually pretty good for the time (Ray Harryhausen may have even liked some of it - and would have been appalled by other parts).

Directed by: Irvin S. Yeaworth Jr.

The Washington Psychotronic Film Society turns 20!

The Washington Psychotronic Film Society is now officially 20 years old! I attended the bash with my brother who, along with myself, enjoyed the evening as always.

The night went down pretty routinely, a crowd of people grabbing drinks, chatting, relaxing from a long day at work, mentally preparing themselves for the horror and unintentional comedy that awaits them.

Tonight was different, instead of some insipid 80s science fiction film, or lame horror film from the 70s to delight us, we were treated with some fantastic short films.

For those who do not know the Washington Psychotronic Film Society, as the website states, we are "A group of film lovers who meet on a regular basis, screening some of the most Psychotronic films in the world." Also, for those who don't know what 'Psychotronic' is, it is a term coined by Michael Weldon - describing "just about everything except the Norm." The group meets every Wednesday to watch films that are forgotten, and others that should have stayed forgotten.

Anyway, back to what I was talking about earlier. The 20th anniversary was chock full of small films, such as: Chekhov's Gun, Peep Show, Robot Bastard!, and Vendetta: A Christmas Story.